I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
