Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
