my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
