That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
pray to the hookup gods
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
