Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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