I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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