She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
