Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
