i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
