3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just pynch a tree in the face
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
