i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
pray to the hookup gods
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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