I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
