Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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