I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
