i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
