On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
