I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
