I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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