Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
