I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
