I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
