you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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