I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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