Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
