I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
