Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
