You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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