Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
