i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
