If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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