My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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