I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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