I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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