i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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