MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
