theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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