Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
