how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
