I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
