call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
