if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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