What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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