Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
They have beer where we have blood.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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