Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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