mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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