dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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