I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
