Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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