ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
