Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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