I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
