don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize