I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
