Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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