You just made me feel so damn special
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am midnight drunk by noon
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
tell me about the fingering
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
