Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
