just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
