I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
