Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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