Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
