honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
