I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
