I met the friendliest cop last night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
